Tuesday, 25 May 2004

•   some ppl said that the more failures that u endured, the more successful u will bcome. well, i beg to differ. of the many failed relationships that i have, it had made me a very much insecure person, and at times very unreasonable. this is not something that ppl would say as successful. in fact it is made me more of a person inclined to not to trust relationships.
    today i made a fool of out myself. at lunch i said some reali stupid things, which made me felt a total loser myself. "y do my girl girl do things faster? i said to my frens, that was the difference between the ppl in love and the ppl not in love" *fuck* i said to myself. reali stupid. wat was i ever thinking at that moment??! can i ever b more stupid?? juz wished that some1 wud jz shoot me at that moment in time. im jz being unreasonable myself. i tot that if a peron liked you jz bcoz they make u laugh, u feel a lot of pressure trying to emulate jz that. when there are some other ppl that can do a better job, u felt your position is threaten. its like the jesters in the court of the kings. their job is to make the king a happy man, when necessary. or not it would cease to lose its value, and at times, even its life.
     it is these very fears that drives me on forward. sometimes your fears overtake you. makes the relationship dull, boring. makes you devote yourself even more and make things reali dull. when things dun turn out according to wat u wanted, u become reali depressed. when u become too scared that she will leave u 1 day, u become very 'stone' and careful. too careful till u might even forget wat is the most important in a relationship. wat is the most important thing in the relationship? i duno. im still finding out myself. perhaps im now lost.
     aarrgghh... stupid. y m i even bothered abt these things? im stressed out and there still so many things in side my mind. *shit* but exams are coming and im far from prepared. y wud i even wanna think abt all thse stuff?? im going nuts. no words can describe this other than stupidity. i need a life.
    yea im stupid, as wat my classmate shouted at me y'day in the lab. still cant shake my mind of it. im still hurt and angry by that comment. nobody called me that since i proven myself in F1. now.. haiz. although i noe that my state right now is deplorable academically, but i still refuse to acknowledge that. then again, y m i making such a big fuss over it??? hmmm.... -_-; *huge ego*
    haiz, feeling neglected now. watever. lets stop thinking for a day, give my mind some rest and relax. do the things i enjoy and jz be myself... now that sentence feels so hard to do..

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